Today was a good day,
I started it off by waking up to drive my sister to school. I didn't have class. I hung out until I picked her up at 11:30, then I took her to buy her chinese food and sit at the park. It smelled delicious. I dropped her back off home and came back.
I walked at the park for five and a half miles, I had previously been doing four, and I lightly fasted until four pm. I drank much more water than usual. It helped with my energy and clearing my thoughts. The park was beautiful today. My pajama pants got a bit soggy from the rain and mud mixing together, and I had to tuck them into my shoes because otherwise I'd step on them until they tore. They're my favorites. I walked for about an hour and a half. Earlier this morning, I put laundry in, but I forgot to switch it and my mom was kind enough to do it for me while I was at work. I ate quite a bit, I feel bad about what I eat nearly every day, but here's the items listed. My slow transition to veganism was successful today.
At work, I got a free perfume. I wouldn't ever steal it, but the cap mysteriously went missing and it had to be marked as unsellable, as that's damage. So I got it for free. It smells really good, but oddly enough it reminds me of my ex boyfriend. Flowers and musk. He smelled like herbs and musk. It's fairly masculine, but I like that. I wonder if women will like it? I was thinking, my next girlfriend I'll have to ask. What's her favorite scent of mine? I want women to like me, and I know they do, but something about having them crave for me is desirable. The instinctual pull of scent is part of that.
Maybe it's my six planets in leo. I hate when people are obsessed with me, truly obsessed with me, obviously, but a woman? My lover? I wouldn't mind near as much. I worry all the time I'll be a horrible partner. Honestly, I feel inadequate in bed, like many people do, and if she's bad too it'll be short-lasting. What if we're not compatible?
Everything in my life revolves around my ocd. Everything. Would she mind? What if she thinks I'm ugly without my hair extensions and dark makeup, if I wear normal clothes to bed will she wake up next to me and regret it? What about my health? It's embarrassing to have a partner when I have gut issues the way I do. Humiliating. But I still want someone. I want someone to see me, someone I want to see.
I also bought a bright purple bikini today. It matches my hair, and it's covered in sparkles, which matches me. I adore it. I wonder if I'll adapt it later this week, with ribbons, charms. My plan was for a plain black one to decorate with lace, but I couldn't find one. I love the one I bought.
I'm so pathetic. This next part is truly pathetic. I hate that I'm even writing it, but I feel the pull that I need to. I have light scars across my ribs, I'm always thinking, praying, hoping my parents won't be worried on our family vacation this summer. I'm an adult now, 18 since august, so they don't really have power over me, but I hate making them scared for me. I hate feeling like their attention is on me. Just let me live. I hate feeling like an attention whore, even if I always act like one.
That concludes my first blog post.